Why I love you —
You are me!
It seems like a different epoch that I knew a boy who was affectionately nicknamed Ray-Ray. Ray-Ray was born with severe Down’s Syndrome, much more than my sister’s. He always rode his bike on the block we lived on. I distinctly recall it was a simple one-speed bike with a handlebar bell that he always liked to ring…I remember, like yesterday, hearing it … “tring-tring”, “tring-tring”, “tring-tring” … he did it three times… he seemed to really like ringing it no matter where anyone was, but when there was someone around as if he was telling you he was alive. Yet, like an itch you can’t scratch, he annoyed me immensely. One day, his bike fell on top of him and needed help to get up…regrettably, I just stood over him while he was on the ground. Why??? Because I never developed empathy. I was still a rock. Over the years, I blamed that boy so much! I should never have blamed that boy because he had a heart of stone. I had to be educated and needed to start somewhere, so it was at the ground level, literally.
Perhaps I could have started this story on a happier note — like I helped Ray-Ray, but I didn’t. Yet, I know now a great truth. Ray-Ray helped me realize I had a heart of stone.
I suppose people who know me now would say, “Lucian?” “No way, he would never do that!” Yet, the truth is that today’s Lucian would never exist if he wasn’t a stone at that point in his life. Even though today’s Lucian’s heart bleeds thinking of Ray-Ray, this Lucian would never be if it wasn’t for learning that a heart of stone is a necessary precursor to build a heart of flesh and blood. Everything needs to build off something else in this life. That’s just the way nature works.
So let’s come to today. If Ray-Ray fell, what would I think? My first thought would be, “Ray-Ray is me”. Why? Because the process of going from stone to flesh is like turning lead into gold. It’s a miracle, but the transformation is painful. It is like removing dross from silver. Impure silver must be put into fire to purify it. Purification is painful. But that pain is necessary! By experiencing sorrow, loss, and misery, I can finally become a human being.
What does it mean to be a human being? It means that I fall in love with your “imperfections” like Down’s Syndrome. When I was a rock, those “imperfections” were unacceptable to me. I could not feel them, absorb them, or bring them into me. I was cold, rigid, and impenetrable. Amazingly though, I was transubstantiated from a rock to a human being after many intermediate and painful states and received a heart of flesh and blood. What does it mean to have a heart of flesh and blood? It means you can finally feel. What can you feel? You feel EVERYTHING. When you suffer, we all suffer. When you cry, we all cry. It was seen fit that after every intermediate state, we are made worthy to suffer for everyone given to us. And yes, given to us because every “Ray-Ray” is a gift from Above. I never asked for Ray-Ray to come into my life. He was given to me. He taught me the utter agony of having a heart of stone. At that time I didn’t care, my utter shame, but it was absolutely needed fuel to become purified of dross and receive a heart of flesh and blood.
Now comes the ultimate truth: this feeling of empathy I have? It is nothing I deserve, merited, worked for, or paid for. It was only given because I was able to go through states sent. I “felt” everyone one given to me because I was able to feel this new heart. I was given a heart of flesh and blood that was never there to begin with which I fell in love with. I can now feel you, absorb you, bring you into me. I only love “me” because this heart is not mine, it was given to me. Do you understand this truth? I only hold this heart in trust until I give it back to where it came from. In the meanwhile, I feel you because I feel this heart. My heart is no longer made of stone, but flesh and blood and you are the missing pieces. You complete it and because you complete it, you ARE me.
Therefore, I love you because you are me.
